On {not} living in Why

 I just don't understand.

I wonder if a friend can help me gain insight.

My friendly companion is comfort for a season, but waiting...

is the hardest part.

Maybe {more} waiting will help.  At any moment, I'm sure I will understand "why".

Maybe pleading will help.  Prepare yourself for the 'pitiable-brown-eyed-puppy-dog-look'!

Okay, let's try being obedient?  If I sit pretty, I will learn 'why'.
Because...

I have to potty now, and...
  they won't let me bring my rawhide outside.

Why??

Boy, how many times in life have we asked ourselves that question when it comes to life, with all of its twists and turns?

I never asked myself that question more than during the season of life in which we chose to resign from church  ministry altogether... after serving 20+ years.  I never could make sense of the hearts and motives of some people in the last place we served.   Honestly?  I still can't, and that's okay... now. 

 Even throughout our transition leaving 'church ministry', I believed that many things in life simply happened due to natural consequences; however, for a long time, I was convinced that the weight of the pain we felt must serve some greater purpose.  The wounds of 'conditional love' were felt deep.    For at least a year, I over-analyzed everything.  Tears were my constant companion.

I know I'm speaking in code, but it took 2 years before one of our staff members came to DK and said, "I finally get it.  You guys should not have gone through that."  It's complicated.  There are many layers, but ultimately it's saturated in politics.  Oh... have I ever mentioned how much I really don't like politics?  ;)

DK kept saying, "People are people, and as long as there are people, they're gonna be people."  I think he repeated it for his own sanity, as well as mine.  Seems simple enough, but it's a great thought to keep in mind.  We're all people. We, ourselves, never claimed to be perfect.  {hard to believe, huh?}

Hubs also gently reminded me that if vengeance needed to be taken, let it be the Lord's.  For the first time in my 'smile-n-nod-Pastor's-wife-demeanor', I was tempted to ask the Lord to let me help Him with that part.  I'm just keepin' it real.  You really can't expect a mama bear to remain docile while someone messes with her family.  {Although, it would not have been right to pray for them as written in the lyrics, Pray For You, by Jaron and The Long Road to Love.}  Just sayin'.

We actually feel sorry for them now.  It takes a broken person to desire damaging someone else.

I didn't understand why God would want us to have this experience.  What possible purpose could it serve?  Today, I don't believe He wanted us to.  We should have resigned when we first felt the nudging in our hearts.

Other than being reassured of God's love, what {finally} gave me the peace I needed?

Strangely enough, it was realizing that even in some of life's most painful seasons... gulp... we don't have to respond with 'why'.  Truthfully, it may not serve a greater purpose in the tapestry of life.  Thankfully though, God will make it beautiful when He gives beauty for ashes. 

Sometimes... it's just life, even in the big stuff.  I don't know why I didn't allow myself to come to this conclusion years ago.  

I know many will disagree.  I'm okay with that... I think.  Just keep any comments nice, mkay? :)  Honestly, the me from years ago would have disagreed with the me today... on many thoughts.

After coming to this light-bulb moment, DK asked me if I loved him more after resigning from church ministry.  I gave him the confused puppy dog look.  He said, "Let me rephrase that.  Do you like me more?"  I still couldn't imagine what he meant by that, so I said, "No, I like you the same."  Then, I asked him the same question.  His answer?  "Yes."

I said, "What? Why do you like me more?"

He replied, "You just seem so much more... relaxed."

It's true. I've come a long way.  Realizing that everything is not so... black and white, is quite liberating.  The shackles of religion are heavy.  Relationship in Christ without shackles = peace = relaxing.

Ummm... Did anyone follow that?

What I've learned... besides the fact that this is the longest post ever.

• to trust my heart more.  That's where God resides, and I know I can trust Him.  He works it all out for good.  We pray that for our girls, too.

• that I need to change the songs on my workout iPod before I get completely bored with them and use it as an excuse not to go to the gym.  If not, the cellulite monster may start taking over.  Oi.

• that it's okay to ask questions and not have all the answers, even the tough questions religious institutions seem to always have a generic answer for.  Having all the answers is a sign of having 'religion' anyway, right?  My desire is relationship without religious 'bling'.

• that I will get dizzy when trying to mirror my girls' ballet spins. 
• just when I think I know stuff, I'm really just getting started.

• that asking and knowing why is not as important as it used to be, and I'm okay with that.

Look how I transitioned from Jasmine's need to go potty into what I'm learning.  Over the years, my gift of turning anything into a spiritual devotion was one of my many quirks.  My quirks haven't lessened, they've only changed.

Aren't you glad I spare you?

You're welcome.

{Oh... By the way, don't worry. Jasmine let me hold her rawhide while she excused herself to the 'ladies room'.  She didn't ask me why I had to hold it for her.  She just trusted me.  There's a spiritual lesson there, too, but I'll close... for now.}